It’s 3.13 am on tuesday. i.m 3 days out from my second infusion and likely 2-3 days from getting my period.
i’m a mess.
i want to be fixed. i want people around me to stop asking me questions and just make things so. i don’t want to feel the port on the side of my neck or the strange tingling that hurts so much if i come into contact with cold.
i want it to be ok to have my mom here and know that won’t cause extra stress. Or not have to confront my father about asking to borrow money from us. i want to be able to call my mom and tell her what my dad did.
i’m exhausted and wide awake at the same time. I’m hot and cold also at same time.
i’m a hot mess.
I’m only publishing something because I want to be in the habit of writing, at least twice a week. But really… I got nothing. Here are true random neuron firings….
*Good news yesterday. CEA levels are down….a lot. But the race is not even close to done. So, that kinda sucks. I mean, really. How long will people be up for all of this? This thought scares me.
*Need to work on the concept that I’m wired a certain way (to be anxious). Need to find acceptance in that.
*Need to feel productive.
*So happy that there won’t be detailed discussions about food.
*Watching Glee last night and I so want Heather Morris’s body. Love the muscle tone.
*I have a friend who works in the ‘industry’. She doesn’t know my news. I’ll tell her at some point. I’m waiting because we don’t really talk all the time but more importantly, I so want to play the cancer card to meet a celeb or two. Just don’t know who and feel like until I know–I’ll wait. How shallow does that make me sound?
*The weather here is amazing. It makes me happy and feel like I can accomplish anything.
I have decided that I need to make decidated writing days. Otherwise, it isn’t going to happen. As of now my writing days will be Sundays and Thursdays. Or should that be Thursdays and Sundays?
With that said…..
*I’m not fond of my GI track these days. And I fear I spend way to much time in the bathroom.
* Bobbi Brown is a douche
*I find myself spending to much time being afriad of what is to come; yet everyone keeps on saying how brave I am
*I need to focus on tasks, instead of thinking of what to do next.
*My skin is a mess.
*I’m losing weight but still fat.
I’m stuck in stasis. Just waiting for something to happen. Anything to happen. Anything to make me feel like I’m moving forward. I just had a pleasant chat with my Mom. Seriously. As much as she drives me crazy, as much as I can’t stand her: One thing is for sure. She gets me.
So, I’m waiting. My light just told me to stop wallowing. To go do something. He is right. I should. But, waiting takes up so much time.
We had good news yesterday.And it was good. But, I still have cancer. And yet, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that: cancer. The dreaded thing.
I’m depressed. I’ve been told that it is situational depression. It will pass. And then what? Then, I’m move into acceptance of this time? Then, I’ll want to be around people. All I want to do is go away and truly be able to be. Yet, at the same time I want people here. I’m so afraid of being alone.
The weeks after my heart was born, I joined a PPD support group. I didn’t think I was depressed. I just felt so alone and wanted to be around people who understood. I was anxious. All I could do is worry that whatever I was doing with my heart, wasn’t wrong. I had no confidence and little strength. The group was fantastic, in that the members welcomed me. They didn’t judge me. It was the closest thing to safe that I had found. But (and there is always a but, isn’t there?), I never felt like I truly belong. The other members had REAL issues. Me? I was just anxious. I just had intrusive thoughts. I struggled if I did really belong. I struggled if I was making this all so much more of a big deal, than it really was.
I never imaged a time that I wouldn’t need the group. And then, I didn’t. Did I find that I could handle it? Not likely. I just grew, I suppose.
So, I wonder will this experience similar? Right now, I don’t feel like I belong in any group. Yes,I have cancer but it isn’t that bad. I’ll be fine. At worse,I’ll be tired. So, am I able to claim rights to the community? I wish I knew.
I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile. There are things I want to talk about that go beyond, what I post on FB. Plus, my therapist said I should. I love her. And then I stumbled upon the Writing on Edge community. And I want to take part in the prompts–another reason to blog presented itself.
Then two weeks ago, my life changed course. I went to the doctor thinking I was being a worrier, at worse some really bad hemorrhoids (pleasant, I know) and it turns out I have colon cancer. Crap. Literally and figuratively. While, I have a site that is keeping friends updated. I feel like I need another outlet. There I just want to stay to the facts, with a touch of humor. Here, well, here I want to explore this journey. Good, bad and ugly.
That said, there is more to me than this diagnosis. I’m a mom, wife, friend, daughter. I live a charmed life. And I’ll be damed if cancer is going to change that.
My husband is very concern with me sharing to much on the interwebs. So, I’ll refer to him as ‘my light’ or husband. We also have a child and I’ll refer to the child as ‘my heart’. Me, I’ll go by Beatrice. More on that later.