I’m stuck in stasis. Just waiting for something to happen. Anything to happen. Anything to make me feel like I’m moving forward. I just had a pleasant chat with my Mom. Seriously. As much as she drives me crazy, as much as I can’t stand her: One thing is for sure. She gets me.
So, I’m waiting. My light just told me to stop wallowing. To go do something. He is right. I should. But, waiting takes up so much time.
We had good news yesterday.And it was good. But, I still have cancer. And yet, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that: cancer. The dreaded thing.
I’m depressed. I’ve been told that it is situational depression. It will pass. And then what? Then, I’m move into acceptance of this time? Then, I’ll want to be around people. All I want to do is go away and truly be able to be. Yet, at the same time I want people here. I’m so afraid of being alone.
The weeks after my heart was born, I joined a PPD support group. I didn’t think I was depressed. I just felt so alone and wanted to be around people who understood. I was anxious. All I could do is worry that whatever I was doing with my heart, wasn’t wrong. I had no confidence and little strength. The group was fantastic, in that the members welcomed me. They didn’t judge me. It was the closest thing to safe that I had found. But (and there is always a but, isn’t there?), I never felt like I truly belong. The other members had REAL issues. Me? I was just anxious. I just had intrusive thoughts. I struggled if I did really belong. I struggled if I was making this all so much more of a big deal, than it really was.
I never imaged a time that I wouldn’t need the group. And then, I didn’t. Did I find that I could handle it? Not likely. I just grew, I suppose.
So, I wonder will this experience similar? Right now, I don’t feel like I belong in any group. Yes,I have cancer but it isn’t that bad. I’ll be fine. At worse,I’ll be tired. So, am I able to claim rights to the community? I wish I knew.